I woke up feeling a bit off on the long Friday of Memorial Day weekend. I was feeling some light cramping that had started around 4 am. Being 40+ weeks pregnant you just don't expect to sleep well anymore so it wasn't unusual to be up and out of bed for the day while it was still dark and today was no different.
But as the morning progressed the cramping persisted and became quite regular - so Diego started timing them and they were coming about every 7-9 minutes apart. They were not exactly painful yet but they got my attention! We decided to go about our day since it was a Holiday weekend we had made plans to have lunch and see a movie.
We went and grabbed burgers and talked and laughed and enjoyed our date-day to the fullest despite the contractions getting stronger and stronger. We went to the movies and settled into the lounge-style recliners and began to watch the latest Marvel's Avenger's summer blockbuster film. Looking back now, I think we were crazy but at the time we needed a distraction and this would prove to be our last solo date. Whenever a contraction would hit I would squeeze/crush Diego's hand and he would know to enter it into the app to track. They were coming very regularly at about 7 minutes and were definitely getting stronger. Let's just say I am not sure exactly what the plot of the movie was... I was too distracted at this point to pay attention.
We got back into the car and decided we had reached our limit of contractions in public places and it was time to head home. We passed right by the hospital and Diego asked if I wanted to stop and just check in and see if everything was ok. Here's where inexperience really get's you the first time around: 1. I was in pain but you hear all these horror stories about how bad it is going to get and I just kept thinking: we have a long way to go, pony-up and tough it out. 2. My water hadn't broke - isn't that the real precursor to labor? No. Not always - but I didn't know that. 3. In between contractions you feel almost... normal. I could talk normally, felt fine and could forget about the pain for 6 minutes or so. Just enough time to think that this wasn't TOO bad. And 4. Braxton Hicks. There is so much hype about these false labor pains that I worried I would be one of the many to go in with just a false alarm and so I wanted to be really, really sure this was labor. So we went right past the hospital.
By the time we got home and Diego took care of our pup and the house and we changed and tried to settle in for the night I was in PAIN. And the contractions were super regular and intensifying rapidly. Let me take a minute to say that it was in NO way what I expected. In the movies the lady gasps and grabs her upper abdomen and her face contorts. These cramps were like your bowels were being twisted and ripped around in a blender and then crushed by some invisible hand and then, just when you can't take it anymore: relief for a few minutes and then repeat, repeat, repeat. You do kind of lose control of your bladder and you really don't care - it hurts! I didn't expect it to feel like this but it was bad and it was unlike anything I had ever felt before and I was officially convinced this was true labor. It was time to head into the hospital.
By the time we got there it was late and the nurses seemed to scoff at us walking in calmly. They weren't unkind they just were not very sympathetic. After a quick exam they said, "well I can see you are in labor but you are only dilated 1-2 cm, this is early, early labor so go home and get some rest." I remember thinking: the contractions have been regular for 16 hours at this point and intensifying beyond being able to "rest" HOW am I supposed to go home and get some sleep? The nurse must have seen my face of disbelief so she said, "I am going to give you an Ambien to help you sleep and to take an edge off the pain. Call us again in the morning." What a horrible, horrible idea. But I didn't know any better so I took the dumb, little pill and we went home.
Do you know what active labor with a sleeping aide looks like? It looks like a disaster. I was in SO much pain there was no way I was going to sleep even with a sleeping pill. Instead, I just lost most motor control and was stumbling around like a drunk person trying to make it to the bathroom every 5 minutes when another contraction would hit. It was literally the longest, darkest, most painful night of my life. Diego was up with me the entire time, still faithfully tracking every contraction.
At 8am the next morning I had had it and begged Diego to call my Dr. He did instantly - he had been asking me if we should call for hours. The Dr (a woman) was still skeptical that this was "real" labor - in fact even though I had been talking to her for 10 minutes and had to stop talking twice for two contractions she had the audacity to say, "you are mostly talking normally, you aren't screaming or crying, are you sure you are in actual pain?" At that point I was flabbergasted! If she wanted tears I would start crying in an instant. Screams? Ok, I could do that but what was that going to accomplish except scare my husband? I was so upset at her logic and I assured her that I was SURE I was in labor and we would be coming in to get checked.
Diego prayed on the way down that the hospital staff would take mercy on us and admit us this time and give me something to help with the pain. Thankfully this time they admitted us even though that whole night worth of agony had only moved us from a 1-2 cm dilation to a 2-3 cm dilation - I think they could see on our faces that we. were. done. I remember thinking that if it took this long to get to 3 cm it was going to take FOREVER to get to 9 cm so BRING ME THE DRUGS!!
As soon as we got admitted and settled in, the epidural was administered and they broke my water, something peculiar happened, the Dr broke my water and then said to the nurse, "did that (the liquid) look dark to you?" The nurse responded, "I think I saw it too but now it's clear." The Dr then agreed and asked her to keep an eye on it - that was at 11am. I had no idea what they were talking about or what it meant - I was feeling relief for the first time in over 30 hours thanks to the medication and was so tired I didn't really have the presence of mind to question them. I wish I had.
The epidural is amazing. It really changed everything. I could relax for the first time in hours and hours - in fact, I even got a small nap. And it turned out that was exactly what my body needed, a little relief from the pain and I started to dilate very, very quickly. Within a few hours I was dilated to 9 cm and the Dr was on her way to examine me. She said that everything looked good and that she would leave for awhile and return closer to delivery, that I was going to begin pushing with the nurse and that this pushing stage could take a few hours. She said she was going to do some rounds and have some coffee.
Thankfully, I had the presence of mind not to over do it on the epidural meds, I remember thinking that I wanted to feel something to know that I was having a contraction so that I could know when to push. The nurse got me all set up and ready and we began to push. It went very quickly. In fact she only had me push a few times and she was very excited with the progress (I think being able to feel some of the contractions and to work with my body in pushing made all the difference). The nurse got a mirror so that I could look and see that his head was crowning and went to call the Dr back giving me strict instructions NOT to push.
Years and years ago I stumbled on a teaching about the name of God - Yahweh. The teaching goes that in ancient times the Jewish people believed that God's name was too holy even to be uttered by our unclean, unworthy lips. That He had a name for Himself that was never to be spoken. And yet when Moses encountered God in a Burning Bush, God told him to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground. When Moses asked Him who He was - He responded with a peculiar name - Yahweh. I AM. The teaching goes that most scholars believe that we have added the vowels over time to make it easier to pronounce but that the Y, the H, and the W are all breathing sounds in the Hebrew alphabet. Like Y-ah. H-ay, W-ah, H-ay. The sound of an exhale - more sound than language. This struck me as something so wonderful, just when we think we can never even bring ourselves to speak His name because He is so Holy and we are so unworthy He gives us a name that we say with every breath that we take! The speaker noted that perhaps as we are born we become fully alive not just with our first breath but with the first time we utter the name of Yahweh. And when we die it is not just when we stop breathing but rather when we stop having the name of God on our lips. Breath in, breath out - Y-ah, H-ay, W-ah, H-ay.
It is a beautiful teaching and it had stuck with me all these years. I had shared it with Diego after we were married and it was special to us. So I had been looking forward to this moment, this first breath of life from our tiny son for 9 months. When the nurse stepped out of the room to call the Dr and we were alone for the first time in hours, I took off my oxygen mask and grabbed Diego's hand and I told him, "don't forget to listen for that first breath, that first Yahweh when he is born." Diego smiled at me, tears welling up, a little shaky but he nodded. He knew what I meant.
The Dr arrived and she too was excited at how quickly the pushing was going, she said she could see his head and he was almost ready - I was so surprised with this process I think in total it was 30 minutes and maybe only 12-15 pushes and then in one final, glorious push he was here and, sure enough, he sputtered, coughed and then let out one mighty cry, one holy Yahweh!
Diego and I locked eyes in that instant and I can promise you - we were on Holy Ground!
I will never forget that moment. It was special and sacred and we were both crying tears of gratitude and joy for God's powerful Breath of Life and for the safety and arrival of our son! In these Holy moments life boils down to the most basic elements and I was reminded again that we are all here, eternal creatures suspended in time, by the very graciousness and power and mercy of our Holy Father, our I AM, our Breath-Giver, Life-Sustainer, the Uncreated One. HE was in that hospital room with us at that moment. I know it.
Sawyer was very healthy and strong and the Dr was complimentary on how my body had responded to the birthing process with minimal injury. In fact, she told Diego not to let me sneeze on our next baby because the delivery part had gone so quickly. The only small complication was that when they had first broke my water they should have noticed he had had a bowel movement in the amniotic fluid (the pediatrician said likely due to the long hours of contractions we both endured, poor little guy was being squeezed and squeezed) and that the dirty water could have caused some damage to his lungs because he stayed in there for close to another 9 hours before actual birth. But, thankfully, God had protected him from any complication or distress and he was born - dirty - but healthy and whole. I have never been so grateful for anything before in my life.
I was finally, officially a mom. And baby Sawyer was here - precious and perfect and in fact praising God with us with every single breath that he took! Y-ah, H-ay, W-ah, H-ay. Yahweh. Praise Him!
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