Poverty

The theme of this blog is contentment. It SEEMS simple enough. But it's a tricky concept because just when you think you may have found the secret to mastering it.... WHAM - you are right back in a pit of discontentment and dissatisfaction. Sometimes, with no idea how you got there at all.

I found myself there today. I was innocently roaming Pinterest (the home of discontentment for me, because really - I want everything I find there) looking for curtain ideas. Curtains. Seems harmless. We are building a home in West Virginia and will (Lord willing) move in at the end of August and this place has loads of windows. I have been concerned with this because I am not a "sew-er" or a crafty person by nature and I know how expensive custom curtains and blinds can be and frankly, it's not in the budget. 

So I had taken to Pinterest to find an economical solution feeling a bit ungrateful that our move-in budget will be so tight. And I'm scrolling through the DIY (Do-It-Yourself) tab looking at everything neat, cool and NECESSARY for a beautiful home. Things like subway tiles, mirrored bathroom walls, chic nurseries, and burlap curtains. Clearly, all of these things are essential to a well-styled home. (In case I am not being obvious - I am being severely sarcastic, but only on hindsight - because I WAS actually thinking that I would need to arrange the budget to include some of these items and feeling increasingly less and less content.) 

And then I saw it. That picture. 

It's a man's feet. Dirty and worn, in the sand. Possibly taken in Africa? He has no shoes. So he has fashioned for himself make-shift sandals out of flattened waterbottles and twine. It's very primitive. Couldn't be comfortable. Desperate. 

And it broke my heart. 

And scalded my discontentment immediately. How dare I be ungrateful to have a BIG house with a lot of windows to decorate? Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't strike me down where I sit? 

I was ashamed (rightfully so) of my behavior and immediately texted my husband to confess, sending him the picture as a reference: 

"Just saw this picture and feeling so heart-heavy... We have so much. We are safe. We have a warm, comfortable apartment and big comfy bed to sleep in each night. I get to crawl into bed with a full belly and a loving husband who works so hard for me. I have nice clothes. And enough disposable income for a haircut and extra food in the fridge and clean water and medicine. And a happy pet who brings us a lot of joy but is too expensive for many folks to have. We are saving for our first house in a beautiful, safe part of the world. And it has 5 bedrooms! And a big yard. 

And I'm going to Disney World (a very expensive vacation for most) in a few months for maybe the 20th time in my short life... And somehow when I look at this picture it all feels so incredibly unfair. I don't deserve the life I have. I am not special or unique or more worthy. Gods great grace is a peculiar thing. And I must ask myself: what can I do to say "Thank-you" and have it mean something?"

He is used to my long texts so this mouthful barely phased him and he responded: 

"Your life means something. Not because of what you do. Or how you bless others. You mean something to God. You are special to Him. All you can do to say "thank you" is to reflect His glory, and praise Him. There is no other way." 

And he is right (of course) but sometimes it just doesn't seem enough for all the privilege I've been given, all the comforts and luxuries. The things I take for granted and forget to appreciate. From where I am sitting it seems desperately unfair. That I should have so much while others have so little. So I texted him again: 

"I just don't want to get caught up in the trap that our lives are meant to be spent on ourselves. They are the only real currency we have to spend - I want to spend it in a meaningful, grateful way. I am too easily focused on my self. And my needs. And my wants. I have enough." 

And then we reminded ourselves of our motto "all of this and Jesus too?!" It IS undeserved grace and I think it comes with some accountability and responsibility - to share Jesus with others. To give generously. To be grateful with a lot. And grateful with a little. To say "Blessed be the name of the Lord!" in good times and tough times. 

And to ask - how do we spend the currency of our life in a way that says, THANK-YOU? 

I know I'll be spending more time thinking about that and less time on Pinterest.